Twilight Crack Fic
by badrefrigerator
Summary: Well... Title pretty much says it. Co-written wit LuckyGreenSocks. Warning, written on crack. Which basically means sugar. Actually, I'm sad to say... We had neither. .
1. The Letter

**Part One: The Letter**

"Letter for you," grunted Billy, pushing a letter towards Jacob,

Jacob eyed it suspiciously. "Who's it from?"

Billy shrugged, digging his fork into his dinner. "How should I know? I didn't open it."

Jacob frowned, taking the letter and ripping the back of it off roughly.

_Dear Jacob,_

Jacob jerked, a wide grin spreading across his face. "I - I think it's from Bella!" He felt like dancing.

"How do you know?" asked Billy.

Jacob sighed happily. "I just… I feel it. Plus, the writing looks feminine. Who else could it be?"

He kept reading.

_I should've never left you._

Jacob grinned in triumph.

Billy kept eating.

_We are meant to be. I know it. I can __**feel **__it._

Billy kept eating.

_Those few hours we shared in the tent…._

And eating.

_Well, let's just say that they were what woke me up to my love._

And eating.

_I hope you love me in return._

Jacob really wished he would stop once in a while to, breathe or something.

_But if you don't, I understand._

But, he didn't really mind.

"She loves me!" he cheered.

_Write me soon._

Billy stopped eating (AT LAST!!) to look at his cheering son. "Eh?"

_Love, _

_Edward._

Billy frowned.

_What in the world could be in that letter to make Jacob faint like that?_

He shrugged.

_Ah well…_

And kept eating.


	2. The Reply

**Part Two: The Reply**

_Dear Edward,_

Edward grinned brightly, "I can feel good vibes."

"From where?" asked Alice.

Edward rolled his eyes. "From the paper, duh!"

"Oh," said Alice, thinking.

That made sense.

_I… I think I love you._

Edward gasped.

"What is it?" asked Alice

Emmett pranced into the room. "Shouldn't you already know?"

Alice frowned. "How the heck would I know?"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Because you can see the future?" He made a "duh" face.

"But… All I could see was him getting a letter. Not what's in it," pointed out Alice.

Emmett sighed. "Really Alice. You're so stupid sometimes."

"What?!" protested Alice.

Everyone ignored her.

_I haven't had the courage to tell you this for a while though._

"Oh Em Gee!" squealed Edward. "He's loved me 'for a while'!!"

Author wonders if maybe six exclamation points was too much.

Jasper glided in, looking like Yoda, for some strange reason. Although really, they didn't look anything alike. "I feel… Excited," he said frowning, although, really, he should know by know he can feel other people's feelings.

This Author does not care about Logic.

This Author wants it to look like she wrote a lot.

Shut-up.

Emmett, being the logical one (Wait – what?) said, "I think Edward's excited."

"I forsaw that," said Alice, trying to prove she was worthy.

"Puh-lease," said Jasper, rolling his eyes. "You didn't even "see" it was my birthday last week!"

"It was?" gasped Emmett.

"SEE?"

The Author needs to get back on subject.

_And – and I think there's hope for us, Edward._

Edward sighed sexily. (Because, everything Edward does is sexy. Obviously.) "Don't worry my love, there is. There always is!"

He kept reading.

_Please, reply to this soon._

"Does anyone have a pen?" asked Edward.

Alice glanced over his shoulder, frowning. "Since would you want to reply to _him_?"

Edward glanced down.

_Love,_

_Mike._


	3. Attack of the Crack

**WARNING: **We are not at all responsible for brain damage, loss of knowledge, or the fact that you just threw up on the computer.

Or spit soda everywhere.

THAT IS YOUR FAULT.

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Twilight. However, we do own Todd. :pats spoon:

**Disclaimer2:** We are not really this stupid. Do not be fooled. This bread is yummy.

Thanks for reading!

**Craziigirl** (The cool one) and **LuckyGreenSocks** (the weird one) (Who eats bread.)

* * *

Bella was scared.

Alice was laying around the Cullen house, wearing sweat pants.

Not her cute, exspensive, designer sweat pants. No, regular, Wal-mart bought sweat pants.

Emmett was reading Shakespeare and prancing around in tights and a –dare she say it- adorable tutu.

Rosalie was arguing with Jasper over what color lipstick would compliment her skin tone. Though, her opinion was being voiced quieter than Jasper's exasperated shouts of "YOU HAVE NO SKIN TONE!"

Esme and Carlisle had "disappeared" an hour earlier. After locking Bella in the house with 6 crazy vampires. She had tried digging her way out with a spoon but it didn't work. Darn those deceiving prison movies.

"Oh, Bellaaaaa."

Said girl froze, eyes widening as she stopped trying to stare a hole in the wall.

Edward walked in with a smile so bright it blinded everyone within a thousand mile radius.

Bella tried very hard not to laugh. Or scream. Whichever came first.

Edward gasped as he saw the mint sized dent in the floor. "I shall save you my little slipper girl! The dust will never get you!"

Bella siddenly found herself being thrown over a sparkly, perfect, pale, beautiful, and toned shoulder of her vampire lover boy.

Jacob could only watch through the window in jealousy. "But…_I _wanted to be saved by Edward!"

When Esme and Carlisle arrived home 3 days later they were in for a shock.

Edward sat in a corner, rocking back and forth as he mumbled something this author doesn't care to write about.

Jasper was applying eyeliner on Rosalie and their frequent giggles and "Oh My Gosh! Really?!" echoed around the furniture deprived room.

Wait- where was the piano? And the couch?! "Why is there no furnishing in this room?" Carlisle asked calmly. Edward immeaditly popped up with another blinding smile. "Oh, Bella burned it all."

Silence.

More silence.

"She did what now?!" Esme yelled, looking bewilderedly worried.

"Yeah, she stared at it so long it burst into flames. The only stuff that survived is the tea set and…"

There sat Bella and Emmett, in the middle of the room, looking extremely extreme.

Emmett had a top hat on, a monocle, a fake (At least that's what Esme hoped it was) mustache and he was wearing a tuxedo. "More tea, Miss?" He spoke in a perfect British accent. "Mm, yes, Nigel. I do say, the weather looks fairly, um, fair today. Mm." Bella mimicked the voice of an old man, though the same British accent held. She had an identical outfit on, (Mustache included.) her hair piled up underneath the tall top hat she had stolen from Alice's Closet of Wonders. "Mm, I do agree. Mm, yes."

Alice mean while cradled a spoon in her arms telling it that it had a wonderful future. "And you'll gorw up to serve casseroles and gravy and," No more could be heard as she paced about, taking no notice of the odd stares.

Esme and Carlisle slowly backed away, looking nervous. "We, uh, we left something in the car. Be back…later!" And then they were gone.

So Edward went back to his corner, looking sexy (Of course. Edward could never be anything but sexy. –insert sarcasm here-) Bella and Emmett kept on pretending to be British, Alice named the spoon Todd, and Rosalie swapped gossip with Jasper.

**The END.**

_Hopefully._

**(Can you tell who wrote this chapter?)**


	4. The Power of Lucky Charms

"He's following us!" Esme whispered fiercely to her husband.

"I'm trying here, he's too fast for us!" Carlisle was just as fierce as he pushed the pedal to the medal. Except in a manly way. Very, very manly. Deliciously manly. (But definitely not as manly as Bella.)

[The creepy music that always plays during scary movies was cued to play here, but the guy that turns it on had a uh, "accident".]

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"He's stopped us!" Esme whispered bewilderingly in her fierce womanly way.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," said Jacob from right behind her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

"Think she'll ever stop?" Jacob asked, peering over at her fierceness.

"-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

"She doesn't need air." Carlisle deadpanned.

"-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- wait," Esme whispered, turning slowly to face Jacob with wide, wide, oh so wide eyes.

"Why are you chasing us?" Carlisle interrupted.

"HE'S AFTER OUR LUCKY CHARMS!" Esme hissed, clutching the magical appearing box to her chest.

"…Did she just hiss? Like a cat?" Jacob asked, looking torn between confusion and disgust. "At… _me?"_

"Did you just be…uh….stupid? Like a dog?" She retorted, stroking her Lucky Charms possessively.

"Jacob. Why are you chasing us?" Carlisle repeated, looking fiercely calm in his fierceness. Ooo, that made no sense.

"Oh, right. WHERE'S EDWARD?" He yelled, looking ferocious.

"You'll never kill him!" Esme yelled just as loudly.

"Kill him?! My little Eddy kins?! No, my hate for him is just a cover up for our un-dieing love." He declared striking a pose as a spotlight shined down upon him as rose petals danced in the air and all that good stuff.

"Uh…" Esme had frozen in her spot, and little stars danced around her head. She was confused, obviously.

Carlisle had just walked away. No more dealing with his child's love life. If this is how it ended.

Jacob somehow figured out that Esme wasn't going to be able to tell him anything as she hissed at him and purred at her box of Lucky Charms.

So he decided to do the smart thing! Running into Walmart, he bought the brand new Edward GPS Tracker - and for only three bucks and his t-shirt! (What a bargain.)

"Bella?" asked Jacob in confusion at the checkout line. Bella turned to him, startled, quickly hiding her "Hi! My Name Is: BELLAH." from his view. "What are you doing here?"

"Uhh," she said, staring blankly at him. "Well, uhm, you see - Hm?"

"Ohhh, I get ittt," said Jacob as it dawned on him.

Bella turned nervous. "You - you do?"

"Yeah! You came here to buy some more body glitter for Edward, didn't you?" Jacob smiled widely at her as she straightened her Walmart smock.

"YES! Uh, I mean…Yea. That's why. Well, here's your GPS thing! Have fun! SECURITY REMOVE THIS MAN." She suddenly bellowed, flailing her arms.

Security obeyed her, and carried Jacob outside with trouble. "Why is he so hottt?" They whined.

Jacob shrugged and turned on his new Eddy kins tracker. "I C U."

Edward stood still as he inhaled the drooly smell of dog. "Ohno." He whispered. He was looking mighty fierce in the wedding gown Alice was making him model.

"The bride is as flat chested as you are, and Todd demanded that you be the one to try it on. OBEY THE TODD." She declared, waving a spoon at him.

"Alice, Jacob is on hi-" Edward was cut off by a glomp.

"OH, EDWARD! HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY LOVE!" Jacob sobbed, unaware his mascara was running into the dress.

Silence. Except for Jacob's sobbing.

More sobbing and silence.

"TODD. NO, DON'T MAKE ME KILL HIM. HE DIDN'T KNOWWWW." Alice shrilled, looking horrified as she held back the spoon.

Jacob turned his head, sniffling, still holding on tightly to his love. "Todd?" he brightened. "Todd!'

"NOOOOO," wailed Alice, trying to stop herself from being dragged any closer to Jacob. Her nails dug frantically into the hard wood floor, but she still moved closer. "JACOB! FORGIVE HIM. HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE DOES!"

Jacob whimpered, clinging to Edward. "Todd?"

Edward scowled, pushing Jacob off him. "Am I the only sane person in this house?" he demanded, put his hands on his hips. "Aw, look Jacob!" he cried, staring down at his gown. "You stained my dress."

"EMMETT!" came a loud call from downstairs.

Everyone in the room except Todd paled. (Because obviously _spoons_ can't pale. -snort - Silly.)

Emmett danced into the room, holding a large book in his hands as he adjusted his leparchaun suit. "Hello!" He called cheerily, throwing open Alice's closet and promptly shutting himself in. Ah, the joy of steel doors. Too bad Rosalie really wanted that book.

"Where is he?!" Rosalie demanded, bursting into the room.

She stopped suddenly, staring at Edward. He had a pretty wedding gown on and had Jacob attached to him by the arm.

"Edward…Is there something Bella should know about?" Rosalie asked slowly, sounding like she was talking to a slightly dull in the head kid.

If Edward could blush, it would look like pink body glitter surrounded his face. "No!" He he stuttered slightly and started rambling on about how "-Everything is perfectly normal Jacob just appeared out of nowhere and-"

"Edward. Are you saying you're having an affair?!" Emmett gasped, throwing open the doors of the closet.

"There he is!" cried Rosalie, giving a wild war cry and diving at Emmett.

He gave a high, girlish shriek and ran behind Edward. "Save me!"

"What did you do?" asked Edward, trying desperately to shrug off the clingy Jacob. "GET OFF ME."

"I - I - her book!" whimpered Emmett, running now behind Alice, who paid him no attention.

"I'll buy you a whole set of wedding gowns," she cooed to her precious spoon. "And then I'll make a casserole in a the shape of a wedding gown too, and a pie, and--"

"GIVE ME MY BOOK," yelled Rosalie, running full speed at Emmett.

"You're dead, Emmett Tuniscalia Cullen," came the low growl from the other room.

"Obviously." He muttered, rolling his eyes.

There was a loud smack and then a couple of whimpers and then… silence.

"ooo," said Alice, looking up from her precious spoon to stare at the large, Rosalie-shaped hole in the wall. "Esme's not gonna like that."

The book suddenly soared through the hole in the wall, followed by Emmett's scream and Rosalie shrieking at him. "GO GET IT, NOW."

Alice caught the book and looked at the title. "How 2 keel dat spewn."

Edward stared blankly at her.

Jacob piped up; he was good with those unfinished words. "It says 'How to kill that spoon!" He smiled brightly at Edward, fixing him with a creepy adoring look.

Alice screamed in fury and threw the book at the ceiling fan. "EVILLLL!" She called, jumping at it with claws and teeth. Todd used the release to start beating Jacob. After all, weren't werewolves allergic to silver?

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Esme cooed lovingly as she wrapped a blanket around her baby Lucky Charms box. "It'll be okay," She smiled as the box stayed silent. "It's all over now."

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Alice staggered from the force of her epic vision. "It will _never _end…."

* * *

**Authors Notes:**

Well. Hm. Interesting. This was co-written between meh and meh friend, Sour. She's a tad bit dafty. [Dafty? erm. I hope that doesn't mean anything tooo bad...]

so, whatever. :) Sorreh it took so long to update, y'all. It's been a while since we've gotten together and... er ... taken illegal drugs.

erm. just so you know... Illegal drug = sugar = uhoh. We haven't had any of that. D: ARE WE JUST NATURALLY WEIRD?

PLEASE!: If you choose to review :) (which we hope you will) could you puh-lease copy and paste your favorite line in the thing? See, we both had a say in this chapter [we like, randomly switched places and would just take up where the other left off... I hope you can't tell where it changes.] so it'd bee nice to see who's funnier :D

(WE ALL KNOW WHO'S REALLY FUNNIER, EH LUCKYGREENSOCKS? /nugdges/)

Now go eat some bread. Yumyum in yo tumtum, foo'.


	5. The Brown Skittle

Red? Orange? Purple – ew, thought Edward, picking out the skittle and flicking away with disgust written on his face. Everyone hates the purple skittles.

Yellow? Tasty. Another red one, another brown one—He took a doubletake and picked up the skittle, ignoring it as the brown rubbed off on his hands. He already had one long orange streak down the side of his face, as he turned his head to look at the mysterious brown skittle in the light, he caught a glimpse of another long red streak on his arm.

"What the—" muttering dark obscenities (such as "darn" and, "by golly I'ma take you to the baker's") he lifted up his arm, licking his arm furiously.

"Edward, what is this?" demanded Rosalie angrily, storming towards him. She lifted up a strand of perfect blonde hair, which was lined with purples skittles. She gestured towards the wall where there were several holes that look suspiciously purple-skittles-sized dotted the wall. Edward paused in his furious cleansing of his arm, looking up in false innocence. "Whut?"

Rosalie glared hard, reaching a perfectly manicured hand for his throat. Or the pack of skittles. Whichever was tastier.

Somewhere in the house, Jasper had the queer feeling of being a woman.

_SPADOOSH._

Emmett busted through the wall, his appearance awing and pulchritudinous. (We had to google it too. No worries.) A towering wig sat atop his head, curled and powdered to such a degree that they were blinded by his beauty. Clearing his throat in a prim way, he reached down gloved hands to adjust his skirts.

"Meow?"

"Uhm,Waredafahqülarrntudrífe**, **bby?" It was out of concern that Rosalie skipped the typical "Teddy" she called Emmett (for his love of bears) (of all sorts), and went straight to the taxi driver name he had gone by in Peru.

"Dearest, I think we ought to reinstate the formal Texas Ball we had as children," said Emmett/Waredafahqülarrntudrífe, thrusting his nose in the air as he swept across the room, almost falling over in one heartstopping moment when his wig went left and he turned right.

"The … Texas … Ball?"

"Okay, can someone please explain to me how a _brown _skittle got in this bag?" demanded Edward angrily.

"It's not a skittle!" Alice piped up, smacking Edward on the head with Todd.

"Alice, darling! I'm ever so happy to see you. I was wondering what the weather was going to be like tomorrow; you see I was wanting to take tea out-"

"Meow?"

Edward blinked, looking over at Emmett's butt. "Did it just…?"

Emmett, however, didn't notice any of this as he airily swept his hands through the air and…smacked Jasper in the face.

"Alice. I feel so…so…unclean!" Jasper broke down in sobs, and clung to the future-telling, pixie-vampire-woman-thing.

Emmett shuffled around in his dress, seemingly looking for something. "Bella? Can you still breathe?"

"MEOW." She clawed her way out from underneath, her hair clinging to her face as she gasped for air.

"BELLA!" Edward cried out in dramatic tones of angsty love. "TELL ME BELLA,"

"I'm okay Edw-"

"WHY IS THERE A BROWN SKITTLE IN MY BAG?"

Bella blinked at him, her arms flapping aimlessly at her side as she tried to get rid of the buckets of sweat pouring down her sides. "I just—"

"You're useless!" shouted Edward, waving her off as he cradled the Brown Skittle to his chest.

Meanwhile, Jasper was still trying to ignore the womanly feeling creeping up on him, although, admittedly, he did feel a bit more… sensitive. "Let's talk about how great I am!" he said, beaming.

Alice stared at him, wide-eyed. "Oh no," she mouthed to Todd. "He's… PMSing…"

Edward rushed up to Alice, beseechingly. "Alice! Tell me the meaning of my Brown Skittle! Will I have great riches in store?" ("Why would a brown skittle mean that?" asked Rosalie. Everyone ignored her. No one likes a blonde that makes sense.)

"I TOLD YOU," said Alice through gritted teeth. "IT IS NOT A BLOODY SKITTLE ("We're British now?" asked Rosalie. "When did that happen?") IT'S A—"

"Why are you yelling at me?" cried Jasper, pressing his hands to his face. "Why is chocolate the only thing that loves me?"

"Chocolate makes you look fat," said Emmett wisely, glancing down at his own hourglass shape. "It took me nearly an hour to get into this corset."

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN A FRIGGIN' DRESS?!" Rosalie yelled, throwing her hands into the air.

Emmett sniffed, whipping out a fan and airing himself breezily. "It makes my butt look good."

"No it doesn't," grumbled Bella as she munched on the leftover skittles.

"EVERYONE QUIET. I MUST KNOW THE ANSWER." Edward stomped his foot, going through the floor in the process and Jasper gasped.

"Edward! You've ruined my mahogany floors," Jasper sounded broken and as if he were going to start crying again. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE COST ME?" He suddenly screeched, flinging himself at Edward. They collided, and Alice watched with narrowed eyes as the Brown Skittle flew up into the air in very slow motion. No one really seemed to notice the string attached to it as it floated around the room.

Far above, exactly one story, Jacob stared down through a tiny hole in the ceiling, his heartrate skyrocketing. This was it. He was finally going to kidnap Edward and take him off to the perfect romantic getaway. (He was thinking somewhere in the Bahamas. With a delicious drink. And one of the cute little umbrellas on top.) All he needed was—"NUUUUU," he whispered in horror, eyes growing wide.

Bella had looked up from her sulk, eyes tracing the swinging of the Brown Skittle with wonder in her eyes. "Skittle," he watched her mouth.

He jerked the Skittle to the left, hoping she would forget about it, but, alas, her eyes followed it. And then, without warning, she pounced.

"NO," screamed Edward, watching as she leapt, and he jumped with the pace of a… well, a vampire, and crashed into her sideways. Luckily the two of them flew through the air and landed on the hoop of Emmett's skirt, and, as landed in a pile of legs, arms, and wire.

"Getteroffme!" shrieked Emmett, limbs flailing.

Rosalie watched the entire thing in awe – was Emmett – was Emmett about to start _crying_?

"You're going to tear my dress!" wailed Emmett and Rosalie nodded. That was a definitely unhappy-sparkle in his eyes. Either that or he was reflecting Edward.

Jasper started giggling uncontrollably, his hands clasped under his chin as he stared at the three in wonderment. "This is _just_ like that soap opera I was watching today!"

Alice felt the need to facepalm at this moment.

Rosalie sighed, dragging the formerly queenly Emmett from the massive pile of flailing limbs and skittle obsessed vampires.

Emmett sniffled quietly into Rosalie's shoulder, allowing himself to be carried up the stairs bridal style.

The floorboards were torn and marked by what looked like fingers digging in as a person was dragged away. Bella quietly noticed the absence of Edward and Jacob before looking around for the Brown Skittle.

Suddenly, a glint of silver caught her eye. "…Todd?" She whispered, looking at the spoon that cradled her precious skittle. "Heyyyy Todd. How about you uh, hand over that skittle?"

Alice picked up her beloved, crooning softly as she picked up the skittle. Crush.

Bella felt her world shatter. (Let's pretend there's another 200 pages describing this feeling.)

Emmett was being comforted by Rosalie. Jasper was picking out curtains. Alice was baby-talking to Todd. Edward and Jacob… Bella shuddered.

But what about the Brown Skittle?

In a land far, far away, a Skittle came back to life, born as a new person… a boy… who was soon to have a lightening bolt scar…

DUHDUHDUHHHH.


End file.
